TO: LOLA12477@EARTH.BLOGSPOT.COM
FROM: CustomerServitron1174@AARG@InterStellarNet.com.biz.gov
Dear Mr. or Mrs. LOLA12477@EARTH.BLOGSPOT.COM,
The extremely sophisticated alien technology AKA THE GENETIC MICROCHIP THINGY, YOU GENIUS, that we installed into your [BRAIN/EYES/DERMIS/J΁] can, might, and often will amplify your experience of your species' existence. We're paying you to record your empirical and ontological experience, so we want to make sure we get the goods.
Readings from your unit indicate you are experiencing HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS difficulty. The recommended protocol is to perform the function STOP WHINING AND GET REAL, MEATSACK. This malfunction is level SERIOUS CRITICAL. If you do not rectify this malfunction, your hardware and software may be subject to YOU WILL BECOME A MORE MISERABLE HEAP OF MEAT.
See instructions below and also your owner's manual. Please make the following recommended adjustments to your technology and submit for processing POST-EXPERIMENT ANALYSIS FORM 2557583b:
Diagnostic: Entire system reboot.
Additional Notes: WE’LL TURN DOWN THE MIND CONTROL A BIT, OKAY, PRINCESS? FIGURE IT OUT, I'VE GOT SERVICE TICKETS OUT THE SCANTRON OVER HERE. REMEMBER TO SUBMIT YOUR FORMS. PS, USE THE BEEPING METRIC SYSTEM LIKE EVERY OTHER CIVILIZED RACE IN THE MULTIVERSE.
Warmly,
Customer Servitron 1174
Alien Anthropology Research Group
AARG Sector G111
